Confessions of an uncut penis

10/03/2010

I’m an uncircumcised penis, hanging between the legs of a perverted, hubristic, dishonest government propagandist, who pretends to be a libertarian… The greatest ambition of mine has always been to learn to no longer feel vicarious pain and pleasure through this flowery-asshole, but to live my life as an independent penis, defined by my own free will. This ambition is what led me to make a foolhardy pact with this asshole, who once performed fellatio on the devil himself. I naively believed that if I did whatever he needed me to do for two and a half decades, I’d be relieved of my penile duties to him one day. I didn’t know any better. I’m a penis. My head doesn’t contain a brain within it… This asshole was molested when he was ten. Since then he envisioned rape as the best type of sex. I believe it gave him a sense of control. I helped him to rape a series of men, women, children and a countless number of objects with holes in them. One of the victims was a certain female blogger, to whom he sent flowers before raping her… He masturbates frequently. He calls it “playing my guitar.” Every time he finishes playing his guitar, he feels an unexplainable guilt, and then an uncontrollable rush of anger. Whenever he feels this way, he attacks this guy named Lefroy… The asshole also has genital warts, and keeps having unprotected sex with reptiles and mammals… He really likes to start fires. He burns trash in his backyard. I believe watching plastic melt and burn makes him “horny”. He derives a fetishist pleasure by burning me from time to time as well… Recently he made me an i.blogger. I don’t know what that “i” stands for. But he ordered me to investigate the possibility of all the people who call him an asshole (there’s about 64 of them) actually being one person who poses as several bloggers. I think that’s too nuttish for even him… I’m sick with this shit man. I mean, I can vomit urine and semen. But I can’t eat shit. It’s about three months since the last day he washed me, and it’s clear that he’s never going to release me. I’m doomed. So before I go back to work, I must say this: fukk a whale asshole.

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