President Beep Going Rogue – 2/1/2011 Edition
Next is our “President Beep Going Rogue” segment… Papparapaaa. Main sponsors. Harpic. Wash your toilet, be patriotic…. Welcome to President Beep Going Rogue…. The Opposition Leader, forever the loser, Ranil Wickramasinghe was found dead in his house today of natural causes. Expressing his views on the matter, the Media Minister Wimal Weerawansha stated that the Opposition Leader has done the only service he has ever done to the nation and to the UNP, by dying. When asked about the bullet found in Mr. Wickramasinghe’s head, Minister Weerawansha said “it is indeed a great mystery to us as well. However we are quite sure that he died of natural causes. The opposition parties are just trying to take a political benefit from this as usual. We challenge them to scientifically prove that the man was shot dead”…. Prof. Nalin de Silva was appointed today as the new Cultural Minister as a part of the government’s programme called “Let’s Reform Mother Lanka”. Addressing the media shortly after his appointment, Prof. De Silva had only one thing to say. “You dirty bitches. Look what’ll happen to you worthless whores. Nobody can shake the foundations our Chinthanaya. Instead those ‘anchorians’ can shake my penis”…. Former Parliamentarian Sarath Kongahage registered a new political party named “Vickramabahu’s Thattama Gone” today. Talking to the media Mr. Kongahage explained “I do this just for fun. The Doctors told me that It need it badly. You know, life has been difficult for me since I separated from my second wife. This has absolutely nothing to do with Bahu Saho, who recently lost his left butt cheek because of a gunshot by an unidentified sharp shooter”…. Moving on to our next story, “Anal Sex leads to Nirvana” said the Parliamentarian Ven. Athuraliye Rathana Thero in a press conference held today in a super holy, super spiritual, super secret monastery. “Our deep understanding of the teachings of Lord Buddha has led us to believe that the path to Nirvana is through the rectum” said Ven. Rathana Thero responding to a question asked about the fact that Ven. Malwatte Mahanayaka Thero was raped in the anus before he was shot dead into enlightenment. Meanwhile the journalist who asked this question has been found dead just few moments ago… That’s the “President Beep Going Rogue” for you. Over to you Chethana.